her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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