Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
