FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Welp...herpes.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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