I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
