I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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