I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
