Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
