I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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