i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
