did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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