you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize