OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
