her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
