I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
