Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
