i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Oh god it's open bar.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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