When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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