you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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