If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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