I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
