My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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