Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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