You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Randomize
