If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
