dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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