I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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