Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
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I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
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After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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