I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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