You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
