I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
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Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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