Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
