Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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