I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
