all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
BRING THE BAGELS
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
