Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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