Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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