His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I want a musical about memes.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
