i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
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Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
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He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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