why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
