Define "chronic" masturbator.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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