dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
