he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
