If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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