I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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