Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
