In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
