She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
