so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
