At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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