i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my shit smells like andre
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
