We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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