Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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