So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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