When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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