I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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