We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
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It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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