a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just blew my weed a kiss
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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