I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
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He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
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I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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