Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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