Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
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