everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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