You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
